Double Click Your Mouse: The Ladies' Guide to e-wanking

e-wanking. see that? see how i just made that word up? you see, i just blew your mind by taking the word 'wanking' and bringing it into the information superhighway by adding an 'e'. that's what a media studies education will get you these days. the cocky assurance to create mind blowing neologisms. well, that, and the ability to make people feel unnecessarily insipid at loft parties. yeah, it's a gift. well, those two things and a totally smokin' rack. just sayin' 'cuz i can.

damn. well, here's the article i wrote for the premiere issue of Blam!Blam! that I was going to post:

Double click your mouse, fool.

The sexxxy internet and the lady contingent

By Joanna Ricco

03.06

Sometimes you’ve got a headache and like 10 minutes before work. Or cramps that make you feel like you’re gonna puke. Or your car is snowed in so you just say fuck it and stay in bed all day with a sixer and US Weekly. Maybe what you’ve just started to realize – or fuck, maybe you’ve known it since you were 10 years-old (in which case you are a totally rad perv) – is that a little diddle on the cliddle – a little jillin’ off – a little jammin’ on the one - can alleviate a headache, cramps, and boredom like no other. Well, ladies: welcome your pussy to the 21^st century and start getting’ all cyber on your junk with internet porn. Sure as shit there’s a ton of sites out there with enough fodder to keep your crafty hands off of those knitting needles and involved in a more responsive muff. Here are some guidelines to help you get started in the wonderful world of web whackin’.

First off: KNOW WHAT GETS YOU OFF

This seems so obvious, but once you start to unleash the beast that is internet porn, you’ll find that without a goal for certain material you’ll end up just as frustrated as you would have if you’d invited a partner in to do your dirty work. Remember that your laptop is your partner in this adventure. You need that partner to be focused, attentive and responsive. Which brings me to a very important point: avoid registration sites unless you actually intend to register. Without registering, the pop-ups will drive you crazy and distract you from the –uh- task at hand.

SO WHERE DO I GO?

Literotica.com

This pick:

1)free

2)easy to navigate

3)full of variety

4)not only geared toward heterosexual men

This site will provide you with, as the name suggests, lots of erotic stories which are all categorized by genre/kink. You also get a nice selection of amateur photos which anyone whom has ever been a fan of Hustler’s Beaver Hunt (as I am) will undoubtedly enjoy. Unlike Beaver Hunt, however, Literotica’s amateur photo section also has dudes and couples. There are a couple of links to video clips, but most of them redirect you off of Literotica’s page onto a membership site and they’re all pretty much geared toward straight men. Sometimes, however, straight guy porn can still do the trick, so check it out.

Videobox.com

This pick:

1)funny

2)high-resolution video

3)good categorization

This is a registration site. But without registering, you can still navigate without many pop-ups and see high-resolution stills from hundreds of films – everything from gonzo gangbang to “arthouse” peeing to 1980’s features. The commentary on the film stills can be pretty amusing. Trust me. One major drawback is the lack of movies geared toward women. The lesbian section is pretty weak – mostly relying on heterosexist fetishizing. The tranny section is really small and clownish. Be aware that anything not listed as “hardcore” on this site implies that there’s anal sex. “Hardcore” here means vag fucking. Just put that in your hat.

Nerve.com

This pick:

1)free with “premium” options

2)highbrow

3)well-written and witty

This is “porn” for hipster elitists. Shut up. You are one. Then again that doesn’t mean that you have to get off like one. Nerve.com has really great regular features all revolving around sex, culture, media, and being cool. Whether or not this could really be considered a porn site is arguable – but then again you probably wouldn’t want to have it up when your boss walks by. And I can vouch for getting down with myself over a couple of fiction features. Porn lite, maybe? Any way you cut it, Nerve is definitely the best writing in this genre and the pop media crap along with masturbation material saves you the trouble of having to log onto Gawker.com or thesuperficial.com, too. One of the “premium” features includes a photo gallery with both olde-timey porn and current, edgy and often gender-bending photos.

Use these websites to get started, but keep in mind that a Google search can work wonders as well. The more comfortable you and your friends become with talking about what gets you wet, the more fun you’ll have too. Start searching and sending links among your lady network. Just be covert if you’re at the library, okay?